Thursday, May 13, 2010

I saw a fly the other day...

So after signing up for this thing months ago, I figure I should actually write a real post. I warn you I have far too many thoughts bouncing in and around my head- therefore presenting the fact that this has a high probability of making zero sense whatsoever.

Ready for the ramblings to begin? I know I am!

SO. The main thing that seems to be on my mind as of right now is my future. It's the littlest decisions that I make now that can make the biggest impact- which to me, seems like way too much pressure. I'm just about to turn 19 - the middle age. It's that year where nothing exciting seems to happen. In between the exiting '18' and the official 'out-of-your-teens 20's'. To me it seems like it's that age where, really, all the major decisions come into play. This is where the rest of your life starts. This is where you find that your life is totally beginning to change - at least for me anyway. As of right now, I'm worried about holding on to two minimum wage jobs, while figuring out school in the fall, and trying to keep a close eye on the people I care most about.

This past semester I took a couple courses at Lethbridge College hoping I would get an idea of what I wanted to do in the fall. Well. Im still pooched. My whole perfectly sculpted idea at the beginning was to throw myself into the Interior Design program, but now, after thinking it over especially with funded money on the line, I'm not sure if I want to put myself through it. Yes, I definitely want to go to school in the fall for some kind of art and design...but perhaps not Interior? Multimedia is way too broad for me, and fashion just isn't really my forte. So what's left? It seems as tho the option of Interior Design is just becoming a "hey, may as well.." kind of idea. This past semester I took Business Writing and Basic Design. Both courses were great and definitely gave me a little insight into the college lifestyle. The design course that I took touched on all aspects of design and I got to do what I do best - draw. I really want to add drawing and painting and things like that into my career. Any suggestions? I've got less then a summer to decide the rest of my life...greeaaaat.

Looking at a few old friends and people I went to school with makes me almost jealous. I'm not even sure if 'jealous' is the word to use. Some are engaged, some have been married almost a year, others pregnant and then some who have new-borns in their arms. We're all so young, it seems these friends are getting a head start on their lives and look so completely happy. Am I falling behind? Is this something I've been missing to make me happy? I feel as tho I'm just in a shlump. Just working and planning school has become the dullest of routines. I admit, I have often found myself looking at wedding dresses, finding colors I like and pondering locations. Of course I usually snap out of it and think to myself: a) I don't know if the boy I have is the boy I'll want for the rest of my life, and b) what about after the dream wedding? What will the marriage actually be like? I'm getting far too ahead of myself, but it makes me wonder what all my friends were thinking when they got married? Did they think they were too young? Were they only thinking about the dream wedding day? It's so baffling on many levels. And on the baby note, I admit I have often come across thinking that I would love to be a mother right now. Have something that I can call mine, that I can put all my effort towards. Again, I do eventually snap out of it and come to my senses- quickly explaining to myself that I simply do not have the means of taking care of a child, nor the patience. I could ramble on about this for hours...but for my sanity and yours, I'll end it there.

Moving right along...

Flat out: this "working for a living" business sucks. I know, "this is just the beginning", but hey, I'm still allowed to complain a little. ;) So, I started working at Tony Roma's in December as a Hostess and at first thought it was great. I felt professional doing what I was doing and my co-workers were super! Little did I know that the environment would become so tense and constently bring on so much stress. Maybe I'm exaggerating? Who knows. As of right now, I'm just not liking the idea that everytime I start my shift I'm always doing something wrong, or not fast enough, or whatever else. Because of this, and next to zero hours at minimum wage, I applied everywhere I could in the city for a second job. Unfourtunately the only place to call back was...Wal-mart. Go figure. I now know why I always avoided applying there before - I'd get hired. Ive been there for two weeks now as a cashier, and so far not too horrible, but the fact that its still Wal-mart brings my self esteem down a few knotches. Have already had some interesting experiences...I'll save those for later as a treat.

I guess I'm just hoping to stick it out and save my pennies for the fall. I want to find my own places so very badly. Sadly, I have no idea who I could snag to be my roomate- I can't exactly afford a place on my own. Sigh.

So many thoughts...can't even keep them straight. I didn't get everything off my chest that I wanted, but I can save that for another blog on a different day perhaps when my emotions and my brain start thinking on the same page. Ugh...emotions.

1 comment:

  1. hails. i am kinda feeling the same way. read my blog and you'll find out :)